Dear 15 year old me,
We are time and distance apart, yet I want you to know that the older I get the more I think about you. Let me start by saying that you are worthy! You are important! You are enough!
I am sorry that I did not love you as much as you deserved to be loved – as you desired to be loved. I make no excuses but the truth is I did not have the capacity to give you what you wanted; what I now know you so desperately needed. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and teach you all the lessons that I learned the last 21 years to spare you from the pain that you will endure growing up. I wish I could have shielded you from the self-loathing caused by tongues that cut you so deeply to the core.
I remember when consuming alcohol was too impotent to numb the pain and you tried slitting your wrist. I am sorry I was not strong enough to shield you from that. I watched you excelling academically and saw people praising you but I knew deep down you were yelling “see me”. Deep down I knew that you knew your mind was the only thing that made you acceptable. And, I helplessly watched as that same mind sometimes afflicted you, taunting you, jeering you… telling you that you are not enough by yourself, that you needed it to be loved; that it was the only thing you had going for you. I wish I could have sheltered you from those lies it told you. I was I was able to make your heart smile with words of affirmation but I simply did not know how to.
Now that I know better, I want to affirm you. You are talented; the most caring person I know and even behind those walls that you have erected to guard your heart, I know you have a good heart. You are not just a brain. You are heart and soul and you are beautiful. You are everything I am proud of and wish I knew you then as I fully know you now. I admire how strong you are even at that age. I admire your resilience and how even, through the adversity, you did not break. WOW! You amaze me. I do not know any 15 year old boy, apart from you, who practically grew himself up and yet, as a child raised his little sister.
I wish I had not exposed you to sex so early. I wish I taught you how to discern the difference between sex and love. I wish you knew how to guard your heart. But believe me when I assure you, that it gets better as you grow older. You would have learned some incredible lessons. You will experienced many disappointments and many heartbreaks –family, friends and lovers will hop in and out of your life but each experience will teach you invaluable life lessons. You will learn to show people the love you never knew as a child. You will learn to eschew judgment of others and you will learn to give love away freely expecting nothing in return.
You will one day emigrate from Grenada. Jamaica would be your new home. There, you would have become a man. There you would find your deepest love and your greatest pain. There you will find purpose and your life’s calling. There you will meet your greatest test but don’t you ever forget that you are worthy. There you will find everything only to lose it…. But in losing you will gain everything – a deeper love for life and for yourself.
Please forgive me for my ignorance and know that though I cannot make up for the years I have lost, I promise to love the future you for as long as breath lies within you.
Enjoy the journey my love – my sweet. See you in the future…
With Deepest Love
Your Future Self
P.S. In the future, you look much better than you look right now…